Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay?
by SpookyChild
Summary: A spoof of all the Bakura-beating-Ryou stories. It's not that I don't like those stories, it's just that it's so easy to make fun of them. Although I don't know why, chapter two is up.
1. Chapter One

Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay? A Ryou/Bakura Beating Spoof by SpookyChild 

Author's Notes:

Okay, I admit it: I like Ryou/Bakura beating stories. Don't get me wrong. But, I just had the crazy idea to make fun of these stories. And so, here comes that idea. Just read it.

Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, then I'd…own Yu-Gi-Oh, which I don't. So, that means I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but that doesn't mean I…own…Yu-Gi-Oh. Wait, what?

Chapter-O-One 

"Come back here, uhh, you!" Bakura screamed, chasing Ryou throughout the house. "I's gonna kill you, boy! 'Cause I gots a lot of hate in me, because of my mysterious past and shit!"

"Oh, but you can't kill me! I have lots of people who love me!" Ryou shouted to him. He suddenly stopped. "Oh wait, no I don't. Okay, you can kill me." He turned to Bakura. "Just make sure you kill me some good, 'kay?"

Bakura simply stared at him. Ryou thought for a minute.

"Oh, um, I mean, uh… You can't kill me! Because I love you! And although you don't know it yet, you love me! And we have to get together after you've seen the error of your ways! But, by then I would have probably committed suicide, and you go on and on about how much you love me, and by some weird circumstance, I come back to life and we live happily ever after!"

"…"

Ryou rolled his eyes. "If you kill me now, then it will ruin the entire story."

"Oh." Bakura sat down on the couch. "So…what do you want to do?"

"Well, I'm going to go up in my room and recite bad Goth poetry, or I'll start a band. Then I'll put black streaks through my hair, because it looks cool, and I'm weird. You stay down here and talk about how pretty I looked today, but quickly reprimand yourself. Then you keep telling yourself that you hate me, but make it seem like that you don't hate me, deep down inside. Or something like that." Ryou added, walking up the stairs. Bakura shrugged and leaned back on the couch, concentrating.

_Ooh, Ryou looked so pretty today- WAIT! I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, and I hate him, although I really don't inside. WAIT! I'm a cold-hearted bastard, so that means I can't love anyone. Ooh, and I'm scared of Ryou for some odd reason that makes no sense._ Bakura smirked. _Yep…I sure am evil…evil like an…evil…thing…yep…_

Meanwhile…Somewhere Not In A Laundry Mat…

"Weeping, I crawled into my danky doom, because my life sucks and I want to kill myself, but I'd rather just go on and on about how much my life sucks…" Ryou sang, putting black streaks in his hair. 

Suddenly, the RING RING of the telephone came!

"Hello?" Ryou chirped happily, putting down his hair dye.

"Hi Ryou! Are you okay?" Yuugi said back.

"That's all it is with you, isn't it?! You're always calling to ask me what's wrong! You never call just to say hi! I hate you! Leave me to my bad Goth poetry!" Ryou screamed, slamming the phone down. He quickly picked it up and dialed a number.

"Hello?" Came Yuugi's voice.

"AND YOU'RE REALLY SHORT!" Ryou screamed, slamming the phone down once more. He looked back into the mirror and smiled. "Who's a pretty lady?" He sang.

"You are! You are!" Chorused the mirror.

"QUIET! I can't go insane this early is the story!" Ryou shouted. Bakura stormed in.

"Shut the Hell up! You're always so loud!" He yelled. Ryou spun around.

"Shove it up your ass!" He yelled back. Bakura stared at him. Ryou rolled his eyes. "Well, you see, this is the part of the story when I'm supposed to yell at you, without really realizing what I was doing. Now you are supposed to beat me up." Ryou explained.

"Oh."

"Here." Ryou said, handing Bakura and stick. Bakura took it and whacked Ryou on the side of his head.

"Did that hurt some good?" Bakura asked. Ryou nodded.

"You know, you have really bad grammar in this story." He stated. Bakura shrugged.

"It's funnier that way." 

"Oh."

"So, when do I get to rape you?"

"Not until later."

"Aww man!"

------------

(A/N)

Well, that was... Interesting. It was kind of short, but I plan on making this story short. So, uh, yeah. Stay tuned for stuff. Oh, the stuff to stay tuned for.

Remember kids, SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP.


	2. Chapter Two

Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay?

A Ryou/Bakura Beating Spoof by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Why I am continuing with this story, I do not know. But, what I do know is these five things:

One: If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Two: The average human consumes eight spiders in their lifetime while sleeping.

Three: The sun is a nuclear furnace where hydrogen in built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.

Four: You must wear oven mitts when removing cookies from an oven.

Five: Legolas makes funny faces when Boromir dies.

Uh, if you understand any of this chapter, then... you must really be stupid...

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or Lord of the Rings. (see author's notes above if you haven't already, bastard.) If I owned them, then... I'd be two people... And, that's not possible. Yet.

Chapter-O-Two 

Bakura happily skipped up the stairs, humming to himself. It didn't occur to him that skipping through the house and humming might destroy his 'evil' image. It also didn't occur to him that it was the middle of the night. Usually, people don't skip through the house singing when it's the middle of the night. But, all this didn't occur to him. Having confirmed this, he continued skipping…and humming. Also, he had a reason. He was doing an evil deed, which involved much…evilness. You see, Bakura was going to do something to Ryou. He didn't know exactly _what_, yet, but he knew that he would figure it out when he got to Ryou's room. He stopped out side of Ryou's door and put on his best 'mean' face. You know the one, with the evil eyes and the…uh…nose. Bakura quickly burst through the door and stopped. Ryou was sitting on his bed with his shirt off, staring out the window and sighing exaggeratedly everyone once in a while. Bakura frowned. Ryou didn't have any evil deeds to commit. He should be asleep.

"You're just asking to be raped, aren't you?" Bakura asked, leaning against the doorframe. Ryou turned around.

"Huh?" Ryou garbled sluggishly, obviously tired after a busy day of sitting at the window and sighing.

"Just look at you. You're half naked, sighing sadly, and for Ra's sake you're _on_ _a_ _freaking_ _bed_. Should I rape you now or later?" Bakura smiled sadistically. This would teach Ryou not to stay up unless he had an evil deed to commit. Ryou thought this over.

"Hmm…how about, for a change of pace, _I_ am the one to rape _you_?" Ryou replied brightly. Bakura thought for a minute before smiling and snapping his fingers.

"Yeah! And then _I_ become the weird suicidal freak once you start to _beat_ me!" He stated. Ryou and Bakura stared at each other for a minute. "Ooh, let's start now!" Bakura squealed, jumping up on the bed next to his 'playmate', both of them giggling and running their hands under each other's shirt. 

The Next Morning…Yep…

"Well, I guess I have to go commit suicide." Ryou said happily, jumping out of bed and skipping to the door. Bakura sat up, staring at him strangely.

"Uh, why?"

"Because you raped me." Ryou stated bluntly, pulling on his shirt. Bakura blinked.

"Oh…uh, okay. You go do…that. Before you kill yourself, how do you use the oven?" Bakura asked.

"First, don't use the oven. Second, right before I commit suicide, you have to run in and say, 'Oh Ryou, don't do it! I love you!'" Ryou explained, using his 'kissy' face. You know, the one with the googly, watery eyes and the…uh…nose. "And then I will say, 'Oh, Yami! I Love you too! And I will always be with you! And I will never let go!' And then you say, "You have to go on, Rose!' and I will say, 'I'll never let go, Jack! I'll never let go!' And then…" Ryou rambled on for the next hour, saying quotes from different love stories.

"…And then you will say, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.' And then I will say, 'Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!..."

"SHUT UP!" Bakura finally screamed. "No wonder you don't have any friends!" He stated, shoving Ryou into the bathroom with a knife.

Three Hours Later…Wow…

"Are you done yet?!" Bakura sighed exasperatedly.

"Hold on, will you?! I have to make this interesting, so I'm writing a suicide note." Ryou replied from the other side of the door. Bakura moaned. He really needed to pee. "Okay, I'm done with the suicide note! Now I'm going to slit my wrists, even though when people slit their wrists they rarely die. Wee!"

"Jeez, finally." Bakura breathed a sigh of relief and went to open the door when Ryou screamed.

"Don't come in!"

"You're not done _yet_?!"

"Well, it takes a while!"

"DAMNIT, JUST KILL YOURSELF SO THIS STUPID STORY WILL BE OVER WITH!" Bakura screamed.

"FINE!" Ryou screamed back. "Okay! I'm done!" He happily chirped. Bakura stepped in and put on a fake look of fear and shock.

"Oh, my beautiful white-haired angel! What despair have I brought down on thou?" He asked, using a terribly cheesy Old English accent.

"Oh, thou hast done not. I will always love you." Ryou whispered, for some reason he also had a horrible accent. "But, with great distress I must leave thou. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Goodbye, my love." Ryou gasped his one last breath and closed his eyes. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHO WILL WORK THE OVVVVVVEEEEEEENNNNN?!" Bakura screamed, dropping to the ground, throwing a hissy fit. Suddenly, Ryou's eyes popped back open.

"Oh, wow! All of my wounds have been mysteriously cured! It is a Christmas miracle!" Ryou stated, smiling. Bakura raised his eyebrow.

"But…it's not Christmas…"

"…Leave me alone."

** Ryou's Suicide Letter ** 

_I killed myself. But, you probably already knew that. _

** End Ryou's Suicide Letter ** 

------------

(A/N)

Ooh... I am so ashamed of this story... Really, you shouldn't read this. You should do something more worthwhile, like learn the tango, or read to the stupid. Well, I guess this kinda resembles an ending... I guess... Kinda... My head hurts. Stay tuned for the... next... chapter... actually, don't.

Remember, kids. SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP.


	3. Chapter Three

Make Sure You Kill Me Some Good, 'Kay?

A Ryou/Bakura Beating Spoof by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Oh, people, don't tell me I didn't warn you. You really shouldn't be reading this. This story is going to make you one level stupider. You'll be down to my level now. That's the level when you laugh while you count bugs and talk to trees. Ah, youth. Wait, what?

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or Orlando Bloom. He belongs to his mommy. And I also don't own the 'Highlights' magazine, or 'Three's Company'. As for Penny, the nurse from Pennsylvania...Well, I love Penny.

Chapter-O-Three 

"Um, I'm kind of still bleeding. There's a spot." Ryou pointed to a spot of blood on the tile. "There's a spot. There's a spot. There's a spot-," Ryou rambled on, pointing to all the spots of blood in the bathroom.

"SHUT UP! Now, what's the rule for this situation?" Bakura asked.

"Well, you are supposed to take me to the hospital, where you will be confronted by Yami, Yuugi, and all their weird, smelly little friends. Then the doctors will come out and say, 'Ah, he will die.' Then you go, 'NOOOO! I LOVEDED HIM SO MUCH! I LOVEDED HIM GOOD!' And then I miraculously survive. And then you will say, 'Ah, Ryou, I love you. I will never hurt you again.' And I will say, 'Oh, Yami, I'm so happy to hear those words.' Then we will go home and make sweet, sweet love to each other." Ryou stated. "Even though I'm only sixteen, and I shouldn't be having sex, because really the only people who have sex when they're sixteen are dirty sluts."

"Well, that sounds like loads of fun. Are you supposed to be awake or unconscious when I take you to the hospital?" Bakura asked. Ryou thought for a minute.

"Unconscious, I think. Just beat me senseless over the head with a stick until I stop...being...awake...yeah." Ryou said. Bakura shrugged and went to get the stick, which they had ruthlessly just thrown on the floor and forgotten. Bakura quickly apologized to the stick and kissed it, having picked up this habit after being an elf for four years. He was turned into one by a gypsy because he ran over his daughter. But, '_I Was Turned Into An Elf By A Gypsy Because I Ran Over His Daughter' _by Yami Bakura is too long a story to be told here, so it won't be. He quickly returned to the bathroom and whacked Ryou on the side of the head. The stick sighed, happy to finally be working again. He would not disappoint them this time.

"OW!" Ryou screamed. Bakura hit him again. "OW! Bakura do you know what you're doing?!"

"What's there to know?! I'm just hitting you over the head with a stick!" Bakura yelled, and hit Ryou again.

"OW! _OW_!"

"That's it!" Bakura threw down the stick angrily. "I'm getting the Chloroform!" Bakura began rustling through the cabinets. Finally, he located the Chloroform and poured some on a rag. Bakura looked at the rag, threw it in the sink and hit Ryou over the head with the bottle. Ryou fell to the floor, unconscious.

Later... At Da' Funky Hospital... Thing...

Bakura sat happily in the waiting room, whistling the song to 'Three's Company' and staring at a 'Highlights' magazine. He suddenly stopped whistling and stared at the magazine intently.

"I found it! I found the difference! It's the pony! The difference in the pony!" Bakura then proceeded to laugh hysterically for twenty minutes. He suddenly stopped. "Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be all sad, because Ryou's, like, dying, and stuff." Bakura sniffed. He was sad. Not because of Ryou, but because the friendly nurse that had greeted them when they came in had taken a coffee break. Bakura liked her. Her name was Penny, and she came from Pennsylvania with a hat on her head and song in her heart. Little did Bakura know, but Penny had been run over by an ambulance while she was on her coffee break. She would be missed. Bakura suddenly looked up when Yuugi and his stupid friends approached him.

"Uh, hello." Bakura said. Yami looked at him and shook his head.

"Bakura..." Yami tsked. Bakura lowered his head in shame. "You shouldn't hit your Aibou." Yami told him.

"Yeah!" Yuugi chorused. Yami smacked him over the head.

"Quiet, you." Yami turned and strode away. Yuugi turned to Bakura.

"You're not very nice." Yuugi told him. Bakura looked down at him.

"Yeah, well, you're not very tall."

Suddenly, Yuugi burst out into tears.

"It's a pituitary gland problem! I can't help it!" Yuugi cried. He wrapped his arms around himself. "My skin hurts a lot. I throw up purple ever Thursday. _I hate Orlando Bloom, and I don't know why_!" Yuugi turned and ran away, screaming and waving his arms frantically. Bakura glared.

"I'll teach that boy some respect for Orlando Bloom!" Bakura cried, raising his fists in the air. But, thanks to his short attention span, and bright color easily distracted him and he forgot all about Yuugi. He looked forward when Anzu stepped up to him.

"Bakura, you shouldn't hit Ryou, because it's not the friendly thing to do. Friends are the most important things in your life, so you must cherish them more than anything else. More that your mother, your hygiene, your self respect, everything. You should steal from your parents, maul your grandmother, and even rob the homeless just for your friends. And another thing..." Anzu rambled on, not know that Bakura had fallen asleep standing up with his eyes open. That's one of his subconscious abilities. Even he doesn't know he can do it. He jerked awake and looked behind Anzu.

"Someone's going through your purse." He pointed out. Anzu suddenly turned into Satan itself and ran after the person, screaming about eternal Hellfire and Anna Nicole Smith. Jounouchi took this opportunity to confront Bakura.

"Listen, buddy, I ain't likin' 'da ways you's always is beatin' up on mah pal Ryou." He stated. Bakura blinked.

"I didn't understand a word you said." 

Jounouchi sighed. "No one ever does." He turned and walked away into the sunset. Seto walked up.

"You shouldn't hit Ryou." He bluntly stated. 

"What do you care?" Bakura asked, putting a hand on his hip. Seto thought this over and shrugged.

"You're right. I don't." He then, too, walked off into the sunset. Bakura turned and walked into the room where Ryou was lying. He sat on the edge of the bed and smacked Ryou's leg.

"Come on, Ryou, I'm leaving. I don't feel like waiting for you." Bakura told him. Ryou sat up.

"But, the doctor didn't say I was dying yet! And you didn't say you love me! And-!" Ryou protested.

"SHUT UP AND GET IN THE DAMN CAR!" 

Later...In Chef's Love Shack...Wait...

"Okay, we're home." Bakura stated, looking around. "Now, maybe this stupid story will be over with."

"I don't know..." Ryou put his hand on his hip. "It still feels like something's going to happen."

Just then, Shadi floated in through the window.

"I told you we should have locked that..." Bakura mumbled. Shadi glared at Bakura.

"_You dare strike the innocent one that you were destined to protect_?!" he roared, pointing an accusing finger at Bakura. Bakura stared at him.

"…Are you drunk?" He asked. Shadi was silent for a minute.

"...If you need me, I'll be in my minivan." He then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Just then, Malik and Yami Malik walked in.

"Hey guys." Malik said.

"Oh, hey, Malik, I have a question for you." Bakura stated. He cleared his throat. "Okay, your name is Malik. His is Yami Malik. But, everyone seems to say that his name is 'Marik'. But, that is not true. You see," Bakura began to pace. "'Marik' is not Yami Malik's name. The Japanese simply call you 'Marik' because they have no 'L' in their vocabulary. So, if your name is Malik, but you were created by a Japanese guy who pronounces your name 'Marik', then wouldn't your name be 'Marik' instead of Malik?" Bakura stopped and scratched his head. "But, he named you Malik, but he pronounces your name 'Marik', but your name is still Malik, but _technically_-_,_" Bakura then passed out due to mental over load. Ryou clasped his hands together and squealed happily.

"Oh, what a magical Christmas this is!" He sang. Bakura jerked his head up.

"_IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS_!" He screamed, and then went back to being unconscious. 

------------

(A/N)

Um, to the person who asked me if I was just reading off the fourth issue of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac for the second chapter, I need to ask you something: Have you even _read_ the fourth issue? Chapter two had nothing to do with it. So, maybe you should check your sources. The only thing that I got from Jhonen Vasquez was the one line in the first chapter that said, " 'Cause I gots a lot of hate in me.'" from the Bad Art Collection. Everything else I pretty much think is mine, unless I subconsciously used something from somewhere else and I haven't realized it yet. So, yeah. This is probably the end of the story, unless I think of something else.

Remember, kids. SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP.


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